WTF

Hi Peeps. Had a great time last night. We went for a short bike ride and to Gigs to eat and listen to the boys play. Then of course we ended up at the Moony where we all had many laughs and of course drinks. X-rated rocks! Well at least this time I didn't tear my car up on it! Well I have been kind of down and a bit stressed this week and that is the true reason why I haven't blogged. Anyone that knows me knows that I won't really share or tell you when I have troubles or problems. After 41 years of marriage my Mother is divorcing my Father. There I fucking said it. I guess when you get use to something always being when it isn't it freaks you out a bit. My parents should of never stayed married to begin with. Funny thing is when you love someone you tolerate too much at times. Sometimes in life we just love the totally wrong person. So am I sad they are breaking up? Yes and No. They will both be more happy, but I am losing my comfortability and they are really losing theirs. Comfortability is why so many stay with people they fell out of love with but love. Certainly after over 40 years it would be hard to step out of your comfort zone and the well known. I am also worried about my father handling it. He is so strong in some senses but really I don't think so in this sense. My Mother has always taken care of him. I know he will put a strong front up because I got my personality from him, but he will be crying and breaking inside. It kills me to know my father will hurt. Don't get me wrong my Mother will hurt too, but she is so ready for this. She is excited and scared about the new things going to come for her. And like most women my mother has plenty of friends to lean on. Unlike my father a man that would never dream of leaning on anyone. I almost had an anxiety attack yesterday trying to grasp all of this. I felt for a moment like I couldn't breath. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache and I thought for sure I would never stop. I am not a child anymore I realize but I felt like a just lost the rest of what I grasped to of being a child. The funny thing is I am crying my eyes out as I type all of this. And believe me I don't cry. I am horrible at ignoring things thinking hey if I don't think about it, it will just go away or fix itself. I was doing well with this until my Mother called me yesterday and made me realize she really needs me and I just haven't been there and this is going to happen whether I acknowledge it or not. She told me through all this and I should be calling her and listening to her and being there for her as I would any of my friends. She is so right but what she doesn't know is this was just to raw for me I just couldn't deal with it. Then it turned out ignoring this problem didn't make it go away. It ended up hurting my mother because she felt I was being cold and insensitive to her. I felt very selfish and whisked her feelings away with telling her I was so busy working, tending to Randi and her toe problem, and working out, and our work schedules are so different that I just lost track of the time and I should of called her and I was sorry. So now here I am knowing she won't take my excuses anymore and I am going to have to face this straight on. My parents will no longer be together. And that makes me terribly, terribly sad. Last little bit of childhood I thought might always be there is now gone. So if I am not my usual self there you have why. I try to cover pain with a smile but sometimes I am just weak. But for my Mom and my Father I will pull some strength somewhere and take care of them as I would any of my friends. Love all around. Smooches babies you know I love all of ya.