Control......

Well today I woke up feeling better. The little sad pit in the bottom of my stomach I thought possibly might subside a day or two. I thought today I wouldn't cry out of no where in the afternoon. But..... Short lived feeling. I asked my Mother to have drinks with us tonight and got more news that I just didn't want to hear. The reason I am such a hard ass at times and won't let anyone tell me what to do or put up with any ounce of shit from most people is because I saw my Father control every aspect of my Mother and her life. I always felt like I couldn't breath when I was young. If she wasn't the way he wanted her to be or if she didn't talk the way he wanted her too, or if she didn't choose what he wanted her to choose their would be consequences or what I call punishments. Whether that be the silent treatment, not doing something that made her happy, or just down right belittling her. The fighting in my household was constant. I learned the way you deal with a person you disagreed with is to yell at them or call them names or even hit. When I was younger I almost repeated as I learned but then I said NO I am going to change this cycle I am not going to be that person. It is a family thing on my side they all do it from my Grandfather up to my father. My father is a big hearted man. I do love him. I do forgive him and I do understand to a point. It is ingrained in him it is what he learned from example. It takes a mighty strong person to change that cycle. For the time being the only ones that have mastered that change is myself and my Uncle Victor who struggles everyday not to do it. My father holds the power in his hands to learn from this and change. Is it ever too late? I am beginning to think so. Controlling people always pick the weak or they make them weak and then they become enablers. When you stop enabling a person to control you they either quit or they move on to someone else. I wish my Father found peace when he was young, I so wish that things could be so very different. Regret. What a nasty thing to feel. So now she has found strength but will the control quit long enough for her to do it? When does your responsibility every stop for another? I think sometimes when you love someone you let them go, if they want to destroy themself in an attempt to control you to stay you just have to take that risk to live some happiness for yourself. Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. I believe that if you do not love yourself first that you are no good to anyone else. So today I realized my father will probably destroy himself and my mother will live with the guilt that she was at fault. How do you win in the situation.... I tell her cut the control find your happiness and hopefully my father will realize the self destruction won't win back what he has lost and he will find happiness for himself. So my internal struggle still is there. Funny how writing it all down really helps me feel better. I probably seem delusional but hell I can't be strong all the time. Love all around.