Happy Friday....

Hi Peeps. I know I haven't blogged I have been trying to keep my head above water at work. Plus there are only 5 days left until Sturgis so I have to have everything complete before I take off! Whew! Well not much thrilling this week. Tuesday Tim and I went and had a few drinks at the Moonlight and I got totally smashed. I needed it. LOL Wednesday I did my usual work out schedule. Dorie said she wished I would go out on Wednesday nights because the crowd was great and everyone was asking "Where the hell is Michelle!". I was glad to hear when there is a great party everyone wants to know where my ass is at! That is very flattering. :) Last night just Tim and I rode to Glenrock. The rest of our Thursday riders were getting ready for their Sturgis trip so we rode solo. We did end up at the Moonlight for a few drinks. And NO I didn't even get smashed. A lil happy but not smashed. I sat with Launa's sister at the bar and I enjoyed her company. It is funny watching her talk, occasionally she will say or the way she makes a face makes me go OMG that looked like Launa! So all n all the week has been good but maybe lacking in the great fun department. I miss all of you I haven't seen in a while but I will get great pics on my time away to post here! Love all around! Smooches........

Thought for the day:

I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

Count down to Sturgis begins.....

9 days until we leave to Sturgis! Woooo Hoooo! Wish all of you were coming! Well Thursday night Tim went riding and I went down to the Moony with all my girls. :) Thanks for coming out I had a complete ball. Kept my mind from other things. It was weird walking in there without my Timmy and it was funny everyone is like WOW where is Tim? I guess we are as one right. LOL Well this weekend nothing exciting at all Tim had to work all weekend and does next weekend to, so you can expect when I get to Burn Out Wednesday I will get totally smashed! So Friday night Tim and I and the kids went out for dinner and I drank too many margarita's and crashed on the couch, Saturday I went to lunch with Birdie and checked out crazy days and then spent the rest of the afternoon and all evening by myself. So I watched tv and thought how strange I am never alone. LOL Then Sunday my Kimmy came over and we drank and laughed our ass's off on the patio. So this weekend was I guess relaxing. This week will probably go by slowly since I know I only have to work Monday next week. I am so looking forward to Sturgis this year! So Peeps back to work with me! Love all around......

Thought for the day:

I Believe... That you can do something in an instant That will give you heartache for life..

Control......

Well today I woke up feeling better. The little sad pit in the bottom of my stomach I thought possibly might subside a day or two. I thought today I wouldn't cry out of no where in the afternoon. But..... Short lived feeling. I asked my Mother to have drinks with us tonight and got more news that I just didn't want to hear. The reason I am such a hard ass at times and won't let anyone tell me what to do or put up with any ounce of shit from most people is because I saw my Father control every aspect of my Mother and her life. I always felt like I couldn't breath when I was young. If she wasn't the way he wanted her to be or if she didn't talk the way he wanted her too, or if she didn't choose what he wanted her to choose their would be consequences or what I call punishments. Whether that be the silent treatment, not doing something that made her happy, or just down right belittling her. The fighting in my household was constant. I learned the way you deal with a person you disagreed with is to yell at them or call them names or even hit. When I was younger I almost repeated as I learned but then I said NO I am going to change this cycle I am not going to be that person. It is a family thing on my side they all do it from my Grandfather up to my father. My father is a big hearted man. I do love him. I do forgive him and I do understand to a point. It is ingrained in him it is what he learned from example. It takes a mighty strong person to change that cycle. For the time being the only ones that have mastered that change is myself and my Uncle Victor who struggles everyday not to do it. My father holds the power in his hands to learn from this and change. Is it ever too late? I am beginning to think so. Controlling people always pick the weak or they make them weak and then they become enablers. When you stop enabling a person to control you they either quit or they move on to someone else. I wish my Father found peace when he was young, I so wish that things could be so very different. Regret. What a nasty thing to feel. So now she has found strength but will the control quit long enough for her to do it? When does your responsibility every stop for another? I think sometimes when you love someone you let them go, if they want to destroy themself in an attempt to control you to stay you just have to take that risk to live some happiness for yourself. Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. I believe that if you do not love yourself first that you are no good to anyone else. So today I realized my father will probably destroy himself and my mother will live with the guilt that she was at fault. How do you win in the situation.... I tell her cut the control find your happiness and hopefully my father will realize the self destruction won't win back what he has lost and he will find happiness for himself. So my internal struggle still is there. Funny how writing it all down really helps me feel better. I probably seem delusional but hell I can't be strong all the time. Love all around.

Song in my head.....

Thanks to Kim for introducing me to a new band. I love this song as I am sure all of you will too.

Thriving Ivory
Angels On The Moon

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside
I wanna feel I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know,
No I don't wanna know
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

Hump day....

Hello Peeps. First off I would like to thank, Kelly, DD, Kelli and Shelly for the words of advice and love you all have given me. It means more then words can say. My foundation has been rocked but as the days go buy it is getting a bit easier. It just sucks when something is broken and I can't fix it. My father is doing better, but of course I am just like him and don't know what to say so I just don't say anything. That isn't the best way to handle all of it I know. I will have to certainly work on that. I have good days and bad days with all of this. But I will overcome it and be there as best as I know how for both of my parents. I am sorry I haven't blogged I have been so flippen busy at work I go home everyday with a HUGE headache from non stop computer work. Plus it sucks to blog when you feel like I feel. Today I feel good though! I miss all of you. I hope we can all get together soon. Smooches and love all around.

Thought for the day:

Friends are angels that help you fly when you have lost your wings.

WTF

Hi Peeps. Had a great time last night. We went for a short bike ride and to Gigs to eat and listen to the boys play. Then of course we ended up at the Moony where we all had many laughs and of course drinks. X-rated rocks! Well at least this time I didn't tear my car up on it! Well I have been kind of down and a bit stressed this week and that is the true reason why I haven't blogged. Anyone that knows me knows that I won't really share or tell you when I have troubles or problems. After 41 years of marriage my Mother is divorcing my Father. There I fucking said it. I guess when you get use to something always being when it isn't it freaks you out a bit. My parents should of never stayed married to begin with. Funny thing is when you love someone you tolerate too much at times. Sometimes in life we just love the totally wrong person. So am I sad they are breaking up? Yes and No. They will both be more happy, but I am losing my comfortability and they are really losing theirs. Comfortability is why so many stay with people they fell out of love with but love. Certainly after over 40 years it would be hard to step out of your comfort zone and the well known. I am also worried about my father handling it. He is so strong in some senses but really I don't think so in this sense. My Mother has always taken care of him. I know he will put a strong front up because I got my personality from him, but he will be crying and breaking inside. It kills me to know my father will hurt. Don't get me wrong my Mother will hurt too, but she is so ready for this. She is excited and scared about the new things going to come for her. And like most women my mother has plenty of friends to lean on. Unlike my father a man that would never dream of leaning on anyone. I almost had an anxiety attack yesterday trying to grasp all of this. I felt for a moment like I couldn't breath. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache and I thought for sure I would never stop. I am not a child anymore I realize but I felt like a just lost the rest of what I grasped to of being a child. The funny thing is I am crying my eyes out as I type all of this. And believe me I don't cry. I am horrible at ignoring things thinking hey if I don't think about it, it will just go away or fix itself. I was doing well with this until my Mother called me yesterday and made me realize she really needs me and I just haven't been there and this is going to happen whether I acknowledge it or not. She told me through all this and I should be calling her and listening to her and being there for her as I would any of my friends. She is so right but what she doesn't know is this was just to raw for me I just couldn't deal with it. Then it turned out ignoring this problem didn't make it go away. It ended up hurting my mother because she felt I was being cold and insensitive to her. I felt very selfish and whisked her feelings away with telling her I was so busy working, tending to Randi and her toe problem, and working out, and our work schedules are so different that I just lost track of the time and I should of called her and I was sorry. So now here I am knowing she won't take my excuses anymore and I am going to have to face this straight on. My parents will no longer be together. And that makes me terribly, terribly sad. Last little bit of childhood I thought might always be there is now gone. So if I am not my usual self there you have why. I try to cover pain with a smile but sometimes I am just weak. But for my Mom and my Father I will pull some strength somewhere and take care of them as I would any of my friends. Love all around. Smooches babies you know I love all of ya.

Good Morning

Hey Peeps. I had an awesome weekend! Friday night we went to Drakes and listened to Ruben's band. We had quite a bunch of people with us so we had a ball. Ruben even walked across the bar and our tables playing his guitar to one of my favorite songs from Dwight, As Fast As You. We stayed until about 1 am. We even had time to do some paper meche art! LOL Boy sometimes it is fun just being a kid! Saturday we just hung around home and I did some shopping to update my kitchen and bathroom. It has been so long since I bought new towels and all that. Thought it was due time! Kim came over and we BBQ'd and hung out on the patio just enjoying the summer. Sunday we went to the Moon for a few drinks and laughs. So all in all it was one hell of a weekend! Thursday after we ride we will be heading to Gigs, I hope all of you will go too! Eli Manor will the playing and there will be a lot of contests, food and fun! So let me know if you need details I would like everyone to come! So all have a great week and I hope to see you Thursday! smooches!

Thought for the day:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."